This Can't Be Happening, Can It?

Okay, so this one is from NASA. But OMFG. AMAZING!

Last night, I watched, awe-struck, as SLOOH and NASA showed me the Transit of Venus. It was so humbling. We are so small in the grand scheme of things. I also listened intently as astronomers, physicists, and other scientists explained the significance of this event. They also talked about other amazing things out there in space, and even a brewmaster weighed in. It was just.. amazing.

Legit.

A Bit Of Sunday Soul-Searching (And Whining)

After the week I've had, I've done a lot of thinking. Like, why am I always the one left sacrificing and no one else bothers trying? Why am I always the one that has to back down and let everyone else have their way? Why do I always get overlooked, no matter what the situation is?

Why am I still wearing the same stuff I wore in High School, even though it doesn't fit anymore?! I need some new clothes.. bad.

I know it sounds completely whiny, but seriously, I'm always the one left holding the short straw. No one ever listens to anything I have to say, and it's easy for people to treat me poorly. I guess I'm not as bad ass as I would like to think. I always end up being the one who backs down, and gives others their way. It's becoming quite the burden, actually, and I'm getting tired of being treated like what I think or feel doesn't matter.

The only thing that I have any real control over is my writing, so I just keep clinging to it. I have like 30 random pieces I've been piddling around with, none of which are finished. I've been so down lately, I don't know how I'll pick myself up off my pillow pet some days.

Don't judge me, that thing is the best invention ever. It's the perfect pillow, complete with a place to hold onto.. the head. And it's soft and comfy and doesn't leave me waking up with a rat's nest where my hair used to be.

I make the budget and the meal plan for the two weeks in between paychecks and the likes. No one bothers to even acknowledge it. The budget is like a guideline to people.. except me. So, when we run short, or have to skip out on something, it's me that's left giving something up (like coffee and Dr. Pepper, two of my four vices). The one that tries so hard to make everything balance is always the one left out, and left holding all the blame.

I recently had no other option than to buy new glasses. I had to blow my budget to get my lenses, so I was left a crying mess in the middle of Lenscrafters. This also happened when I had to buy a pair of boots to make it through winter. If I have to spend something on myself, I get really out-of-sorts, and when I realized that the following two weeks would be tight, I made the decision to take the glasses back. I was told not to, that it wouldn't serve any purpose, and yet no one bothered to help see where we could cut random spending to make things a little less strained at the bank. Just me.

Now, I used to get told the reason that I had to make sacrifices (like not eating for days, and not sleeping, etc) was because I didn't have a job. Even when I had a job, it wasn't one where I "punched a time clock", so it was considered "stupid doodles on the internet". It really hurts to know that I'm not appreciated for the long hours and dedication I put in to be someone.. to make something of myself.. to better our family.

I have no say in anything, and yet everything is left up to me. I moved home, with my mom, not because I'm a loser, but to help her. My parents are older than most of my friend's my age, and my mom is all alone. She works long hours in a really strenuous place, and she just couldn't keep going the way she was and not have any help around the house. I help with the bills as much as I can, and I cook, clean, run errands, make phone calls, and try to relieve some stress on her.

I don't mind, not even in the least. I love this house, this area, and my mom. She's one of my best friends, as well as a huge supporter of my aspirations to do something with my life. She supports my long hours, lack of good pay, and dedication. She takes over the dishes and the laundry when she's off, and it's a huge help. She lets me sleep in when she knows I've been up too late, and helps me with the Kid. I try to make things as easy as possible, but it always seems like something goes wrong, and I'm left feeling like the worst daughter ever.

I just get sick and tired of everyone thinking I'm some terrible person because I don't visit often enough, or do things their way. I get tired of being made to "go along" with whatever everyone else wants, and told to basically not have an opinion or desire that isn't going to be the same as theirs. It really sucks, and it gets me down.

THEN I start feeling like a douchebag because I'm whining and feeling all "poor me". I spend all day acting happy and tough, but sometimes, I just can't play the part anymore. Like last night.. when I texted a friend, crying and down, and spilled all my crap onto him. It wasn't fair, and I still need to tell him I'm sorry. I don't have anyone to talk to, because if I say anything to anyone, I'm a bitch and I just want to make someone miserable.

That's totally not true. I'm actually a really nice person, who's constantly a door mat. I get pushed around, used, treated like crap.. hell, I've been told I'm worthless, the worst thing that ever happened to Husband, a bad parent... my kid has told me she doesn't love me so many times I've become almost completely numb. I'm no good, a time suck, I don't do anything but play around on the computer all day, etc. It really gets old hearing these things all the time. Especially when I hear them from my kid and people I don't even know.

Why would anyone talk about me like that? I try so hard to make everyone happy, that I end up losing my own needs and wants in the process. If I actually stand up for myself, I get threatened and talked down to until I just give in, because I've given up.

Is this how it's supposed to be? I thought compromise was a two-way street? Since when was it okay to make someone your punching bag, again and again, and treat them like they aren't important. Everyone, in some way or another, is important. Everyone has a mind and feelings, and they matter. Even if they're different than you, they still deserve to be happy, heard, acknowledged, and loved.


I guess I'm jut tired of feeling worthless to everyone. Also, I'm really tired of feeling down on myself. I guess when you hear it every day, you just kind-of start to believe it. That shouldn't happen, but it does. I'm only human, and I can only take so much shit from people before I get overloaded.

I wish I was the happy little bad ass that everyone thinks I am.. I used to be.. I guess I've just gotten lost along the way.

All I Have To Say About Internet Censorship: It's Ridiculous

   

Can you read that? Chances are, you can't. You didn't make it, and it's been censored. I made it. I used my bought and paid for copy of Adobe Photoshop CS 5 Master Collection. Chances are also pretty high that it will be copied, saved, linked-to, and re-linked to again and again. It will be changed, the size will be messed with, and people will most likely say they made it. I didn't even bother to slap my copyright watermark on it.

If I post it to Twitter tomorrow, it could be censored. If Bills like ACTA, Bill-C11 (formerly Bill-C32), SOPA, PIPA, or any other Internet Censorship laws pass, I could be fined or placed in jail. That doesn't sound fun, since I made it, and it's my right to bellyache and complain about whatever the hell I want.

That's just it, though. It's MY choice. This is the internet. Shit gets stolen; so what? I take it as a compliment when people like what I do enough to share it. I don't really go for the changes, but like I said, this is the internet, and shit happens. I always ask that people at least let me know they're taking something because asking is a simple courtesy. I'm not going to police my work after they take it because I have a life and better things to do.

If you don't want people to get to anything that you do, don't make your work public. I am guilty of it, you are guilty of it. I like memes, and so do you. That is a prime example of what they're calling piracy. It's not just about grabbing a torrented copy of a movie or CD, people -- it's so much bigger than that.

I know we (the internet lovers) had a huge "win" when we all got together and shut our sites down for a day. Wikipedia had probably the biggest impact, leading people to be forever lost because they don't remember a time when we didn't have ready access to the information we wanted/needed. Since I used to use my handy-dandy encyclopedia to find information, I still tend to stick to it. But there's something comforting about having the ease of Google Search right at my fingertips. Many of the web pages that we visit are powered by Wiki, and we rarely realize just how crippling it's loss would be.

SOPA and PIPA may be frozen, but ACTA is like SOPA and PIPA on steroids, and it my friends, is FAR from frozen. Bill-C11? It even makes ripping your bought CDs to your iTunes library and DVR-ing your favourite TV shows illegal. Have you unlocked your phone? Rooted it? Changed the OS? That's illegal under Bill-C11 as well.

Think I'm crazy? Check the links at the end of this article to find out for yourself. I'm not crazy, this is our future. Taking a small stand against one bill and thinking we've won the war is ridiculous. We have yet to win anything but one small smokescreen of a battle.  SOPA and PIPA were created to annoy us, while we remained in the dark about other bills, whether American or not, that are far worse and could royally fuck our shit up. Sharing isn't caring to these bills -- it's a federal offense that could land you in jail for sharing a photo you found via Google Images.

And, just to let you know just how far the laws can carry themselves, some of the bills I'm talking about aren't American. Bill-C11 is Canada's new love-child. We as Americans can't do anything but spread the word, but most of us have never even heard of it. Canada helped us out with SOPA and PIPA, so don't forget to help them. I'm appreciative of their efforts.

You see, they realize, unlike most people, that whatever laws are passed here (or anywhere else) are going to affect us all. It's the WORLD-WIDE web, people. If ACTA passes, it's going to affect us; If the Canadians lose their battle against Bill-C11, we're just as screwed. These bills our governments are trying to hide behind fancy words and 'round-about press releases, if passed, will open the floodgates. One passes, they could ALL pass.

And then the internet would look like a pissed-off dude ripped the shit out of a book. There won't be any Wiki sites, there won't be a Twitter and Facebook worth using, and Google will take a huge dive. Even searching for articles to cite here in my own blog lead me to censorship. Google was forced to take articles off the search queue. It's complete bullshit, and we shouldn't be content to let other people decide what we can and cannot share. 

Not all sharing is bad, government, and your bills aren't going to help. Things are just going to get worse.

Oh, and in case you haven't heard, Twitter is now able to censor your tweets on a case-to-case basis.

I'm not quite fond of this idea, and you shouldn't be, either. They're your thoughts, and if you want to let them be known, it should be your decision how they're conveyed.

This is basically a war on freedom of expression; which side are you on?

Check these links to learn about the bills and the new Twitter censorship (I'm not including SOPA and PIPA, so no worries. You're going to learn something new.):

Bill-C11(formerly Bill-C32)
More on Bill-C11
ACTA(A Wiki site.. better read quick!)
Forbes Speaks: Twitter Censorship and Internet Censorship Laws

E-mail To An Asshole That I Will Never Send - Maybe

So I have this friend.. had this friend.. that used to be my, I don't know, best friend of sorts. She was the person I called anytime, anywhere, and talked to for hours at a time.. or until one of our phones died. She was always there for me no matter what was going on. I loved her like an extension to my family. My daughter loved her and even Ass-band loved her. It was the perfect friendship. I did all I could do for her, and helped her through all kinds of shit that I really didn't want to get into but that's what best friends are for and I loved her so I did it no matter the consequences.

And then, almost three years ago, she stopped talking to me. She's on my accursed Facebook, and she wouldn't even say hey if I tried to start a conversation. I'd long since been kept out of the loop when she changed phone numbers and I'd started to feel like a stalker for my once-a-month comments like "Hey XXX, I miss your face. Call me sometime and we'll catch up over coffee!"...

I don't want to feel like a stalker, so I stopped doing it about a year ago. Ass-band keeps asking about her, Melodrama sees her picture and asks me to call her, and my best dude friend always asks have I talked to her and I'm always having to walk around with a stupid look on my face and an eye twitch.

I tried to e-mail her the other day, but I couldn't bring myself to hit the send button. I've wanted to tell her so many things over the course of [almost] three years. I've wanted her to share in my joys and my sorrows, just like she used to. Our lives overlapped so much for so long that it was just natural to see my Sidekick glued to my ear no matter what I was doing. I think back fondly on the many years of friendship and tomfoolery, but the charade is over.

Here's the letter I decided to write and pussied my bitch ass out of sending. I'll share it with the blog world, and if she sees it and happens to know it's about her, so be it. Enjoy. I suck at writing letters, by the way.

XXX,

Wow, it's been almost three years! I found your e-mail in my address book, and I am hoping against hope that you didn't change this, too. I heard you moved and changed your number (well, read off your Facebook), and I tried to get in touch with you to get your new number and address for Christmas gifts and the likes, but you brushed me off. It kind of bothered me, but since I'm a pussy when it comes to my friends, I never said anything.

I changed my Facebook a while back, and you added me again. I was elated. I took that to be a good sign, and I tried to talk to you again. To no avail. That really hurt me, because I love you like a sister; I have told you things my husband doesn't even know and I have been there for you through good times and "I'm so depressed I'm going to kill myself in this manner" times.

Why exactly have you chosen to abandon the bond that we shared? Why have you come to ignore the one friend who never did you wrong? Was it something that was said -- or something that was not?

I guess being southern, a mother, and using boxed mac-n-cheese to make my husband happy made me not good enough, but your attitude and the way you've made me feel all this time kind-of tips the scales in my favour of being the better friend and better person. No matter how busy you think your life is, it doesn't even compare to any woman with a child, a job, a degree in progress, a husband, and a bird.. or some other kind of pet but still. All you have is you and your husband to worry about.. and he's a grown ass man who should know how to make a sandwich if you're busy with other shit.

Look, all I'm saying is that through all the hard times and the busy times and the times when I wanted to flat out drink myself into a coma for a month, I've tried to still be there for you. Where's your try? Fuck this shit.. I hate writing damn e-mails and I'm tired of coming up with nice ways to say:

Hope you're happy, hope you're well, hope you choke on a carrot. Seriously, eat a fucking dick unless you want to say hey and then I'll totally be excited and talk to you again because, again, I'm a fucking pussy when it comes to bitches like you. I think it's because you're cute.

All my best, 

Kate