My Take On Your Take On Chicks Who Game

Hi, I'm Kate, and I'm (obviously) a chick. I am a chick who games; I mean, I really game.

I don't pose half-naked with my controller for Facebook pictures and I don't play those ridiculous "take care of this baby animal" games on my hot pink DS. I don't even have a DS, truth be told; I have a first-gen PSP. I have been known to sit on a couch for days on end -- no shower, no sleep, no food -- and play KOTOR until my eyeballs were almost literally bleeding. I used to think budgeting for a new game was the most important financial decision I would make that week, and I made grown men cry as they watched me blow through Halo 2 on Legendary with no deaths and no do-overs.

Multimedia For Kids, Err, My Kid

As "Mommy" to a toddler, I'm not the world's best parent. I'm usually at a loss as to what she wants/needs, but I'm learning as I go, and trying new things every day. I know to give her home-cooked, healthy meals as often as I can, to give her a vitamin, bathe her and brush her teeth, and try not to lose my shit when she won't listen. I also know that a perfectly timed press of the "play" button on my remote will trigger complete and utter concentration in an otherwise unfocused toddler with ADD.

The Good Times Had by a Freelance Writer

So, among the many things I do to make ends meet, I freelance write. Now, don't get me wrong, I love it. It gives me the freedom to work on so many different projects that I normally would't get a chance at. It's rewarding and fulfilling on so many levels.

But, sometimes, I hate it. One of these sometimes is when I'm commissioned to write a speech for someone who really didn't want my help in the first place. How can I say that, you ask? They refuse to let me do my job. There is a difference between tossing around ideas and then letting me go to work and deliver you a great speech, and taking over -- basically paying me hundreds of dollars to be your PA and type your shit up for you.

Since everyone always posts up "What If" scenarios, and people, like the incredible author/artist of The Oatmeal, create amazing comics out of their horror stories, I'm going to write the speech that I wish I could give to difficult clients here.. in my blog.. because I like money. I would rather continue to receive money, than lose out on it because I want to post up my issues like I'm grand-standing in a public forum.

You know, that thing I'm doing now, only it's not to a room full of people who already hate me.

Enjoy!


Dear Audience,

Thank you for whatever reason I'm here. I'm a clueless Douchenut, so I really don't have a idea as to why I'm actually standing here, but thanks. Here are a few really awful and extremely stupid jokes to make you question why I am in whatever position I am in; I am quite certain your fake laughter will give me whatever confidence booster I'll need to make it through the rest of the night. I'm not exactly sure I like any of you, but it warms me more than my fist of whiskey to hear your finger claps and discontented chuckles.

Now, here's the part where I should be telling you it's all thanks to you, but no. Fuck that shit. It's all about me tonight, baby. Me, me, me, me, and me. I love me. I'm accomplished at something, but I'm not quite sure what it is. I'm sure it'll come to me in the next however long I choose to stand here, but right now? Total blank. Oh, did I mention I love the way my farts smell? Because I do. They're awesome. More about me. Blahdy blahdy blah blah blah blah blah. Blargh.

I would also like to give thanks to the chick I hired to help me better articulate absolutely nothing. She's awesome. This bitch can type like.. fucking fast. She got a lot of money to help me, but instead, I decided to go my own way. I'm a fucking REBEL! Here's the gist of what I put her through:

 I don't know what the fuck I'm doing, and I'm not entirely sure where I'm at or how I got here. I hired someone smarter than me to research and write me some pretty words. She's now far more competent than me, and could quite possibly steal my position based on her gleaned knowledge alone.

But, I decided I wanted jokes; lots and lots of really un-funny and extremely offensive jokes. Also, I wanted a small slideshow of ponies and unicorns and rainbow-shitting cupcake faeries to go with it. You're definitely welcome for those. There's also a few images of me spending my insane salary on some equally insane vacation. Do you like my hot pants? Daddy likes.... Let me rub my nipple in a failed attempt at sexual humor and innuendo. I do these things so fucking well, and she knows it.

She also researched the people who should actually be here, and she wanted to thank you all, but like I said, fuck you. It's me time, and I'm cashing in.

Words and stuff.

Man that bitch can type.

Now, I realize that I've completely ruined any chance I have at making you think I have any idea why I should be here.. or grateful.. or even alive, because I'm a fucking tool. Please let me just take the cheap-ass trophy or certificate you made me from some crap-ass Microsoft program, sans speech, and I swear, to Zeus, that this awkwardly painful moment (for everyone involved, mind you) will never happen again.

Also, I'll save $700 on something I could've easily done myself. Which is cause massive embarrassment and give you all something to discuss, at-length, in e-mails and at the water cooler, behind my back, for at LEAST a year. Probably more, depending on how drunk I am right now and who's wife is hottest. I'm grabbing your ass, hot wifey, I'm just sayin'.

Spanx. See?! I'm totally not hilarious at all!
Continue on somehow with the rest of your miserable night,

Douche-y McFuckNut

Hello Kitty's Furry Tale Theater: A Review*

I found this show on Netflix. I had no idea that it's old as fuck. I'm in love with it, and it keeps the kid busy while I work. Here's the skinny on this new (old as fuck) show:

Hello Kitty's Furry Tale Theater is a show that takes old stories and re-purposes them into a Hello Kitty version. Think old Disney movies, classic works of fiction, and fairy tales coming to life in the Hello Kitty universe. Stories like Peter Pan, Cinderella, Pinnochio, The Wizard of Oz, and Dracula are transformed into Peter Penguin, Cinderkitty, Pinnochio Penguin, The Wizard of Paws, and Catula. They even did one that recreated ET: KT — The Kitty Terrestrial.

Cute, right?

Look, it may be the same stories that we all know and love, but this is my opinion: It changes it up. I'm not constantly watching the same version over-and-over. It gives my kid something new to watch, and it introduces her to new characters in a familiar format. Everyone likes something new and different, right?



I'm a huge fan and I highly recommend it — especially for younger ones. The stories are slow enough for little kids to grab on and they're fun and interesting enough to hold their attention. I find myself looking up and getting lost in the tales myself.

Check it out, you may be pleasantly surprised!







*I was not paid, endorsed, or even asked to do a review. I highly doubt anyone gives a shit about my opinion, anyway. Let's be smart here, folks.

Something Serious That's Worth Reading

October 12th is the 12th anniversary of the murder of Matthew Shephard. I was pretty young when it happened, but I still remember.

I was always different in a lot of ways. I was the fat kid with glasses and braces. I was the unattractive, socially awkward, outcast that had a few friends here and there, but none that were really solid. I always knew I was attracted to girls, as well as guys, but my family made it so "taboo" that I didn't voice the feelings.

My family..

There are a lot of bigoted people residing in my family -- something I don't like to admit. I come from the deep south -- southern belles, pecan trees, the works. My family holds true to the values of the "old south" -- no "fags", no "niggers". There are also a lot of open-minded people in my large family; we are a diverse group that tends to agree to disagree on a lot of issues.

With that being said, you can imagine that my "live and let live - it's not your place to judge" attitude set me apart. I believe that intolerance is just that - intolerance. There isn't a way to sugar-coat it and make it pretty. You can't tie it up with pretty paper and lace and make it any easier to look at. I believe that everyone is unique and beautiful; I believe that everyone has their own views and mannerisms that make them who they are -- make them special; I believe that it doesn't matter what colour you are, what religion you practice, or how you live your life -- though there are the normal things I find appalling: murderers, thieves, radicals; these people lead me to intolerance for what they do, but I'm sure everyone feels that way, right?

I've never lied about who I am, where I come from, or how I feel about life. I have covered certain aspects up to appease my extremely traditional family, which, in my eyes, is completely acceptable. I love them and I don't want to hurt them; being bisexual would hurt them.

But you should never have to feel like a freak for those reasons. Ever. I felt like a freak; I felt like I was "going to hell" for who I was and what I believed. That, my friends, is what intolerance does to people. I had to grow up feeling like the biggest failure alive - my problem with social settings probably had a lot to do with that.


What I'm trying to say is actually pretty simple. Don't be a bigot; don't hurt people just because they are different; don't tell someone who they love and what they believe is wrong -- it's not your place. Why is is okay for people to call members of the LGBT community "fags" and "queers"'; and tell them they're "wrong" and "going to hell"? Did you know it's a federal offense to call someone a "nigger"? That's racism, and that can land you in prison.

By definition, the word "nigger" basically means someone who is ignorant. Shouldn't the person screaming the word at others turn that insult around on themselves? Of course they should -- but they won't. You'll never hear a member of the Klan say "Hey, ya know what? They're not the "nigger", I am!". You'll never read where Hitler told his followers "We aren't right; They aren't bad people because they're not like us. We should change the name of our little 'club' from Nazis to 'Niggers'!".

You most certainly will not hear people who say terrible things about people who don't love they way they do refer to themselves as "niggers" -- you should, but you won't.

But back to the point.. Why is it a crime to slander someone for their race, but not their sexual orientation? People die every day because of small nuances that make them different -- yet nothing ever changes. Race shouldn't take precedence over orientation. They're all hate crimes, and should be treated as such.

I hope one day my child can live without fear of being who she is; I hope one day everyone will be equal; I hope one day I can tell my family who I am and not feel ashamed or like I'm killing them.

Don't Christians have the saying "Everyone is equal in the eyes of the Lord"?