Some Things To Ponder At The Close of Another Week

I had the best conversation with Husband last night. It made me tear-up a little, and boy did I need to hear the things he told me right about then.

I was whining about student loans and the ridiculous price of higher education, and he stopped me in my tracks. He reminded me that I've already got a lot of school under my belt, and if this was what I really wanted, he would do whatever it took to support me and make it happen no matter the cost or struggle -- but if I wanted to just keep doing what I was doing, that was fine too. I told him I was tired of feeling like I'm not contributing enough, and again, he stopped me.

He reminded me that I cook, clean, run errands, pay bills, and make sure the laundry is done for everyone in the house; I administer care and love when needed and make sure everyone is doing what they need to do, when they need to do it; I take care of the little things so no one else has anything to worry about once they're off-the-clock and ready to enjoy some down time; I love and nurture and educate our daughter, and I work my ass off to make something of myself when most people are content to just be blips on the radar. He said he never gave me the credit I deserve, and he was wrong; he never appreciated all I do for not only him, but our daughter, our families, and our friends.

It really threw me for a loop, because admittedly, throughout the "problem years" of our marriage, one of his biggest complaints was that "You think making doodles on the internet is a job?". It always hurt me, because at one point, my "doodles" were paying half of the bills and ALL of the luxuries we enjoyed. I was bringing in over $7k/mo and working 20/hrs a day -- the other four were spent catching up on all the things I didn't get accomplished throughout the day. I slept only when I was sick or delirious, and sometimes I skipped it then (I remember trying to have a conference call laying in the ER with an IV and having the nurses take my phone away because "You can't talk on the phone and get a CT Scan, Mrs. G."). I felt like if that wasn't good enough, nothing I ever did would be good enough.

He used to regulate me when I would get mad at him for no reason out of frustration, stress, and exhaustion. For about a week here and there, he would be Superman. He would make me eat, sleep, and take breaks from work. He would help out with the house and the errands and the kiddo so I could catch a break and relax. There was a point in my career as a WAHM that I had gone over a week without a shower, because I never had the extra time to worry about it. I was too busy doing everything else. He never complained, he just took kiddo for a very long walk around the lake so I could take a shower and have a minute to gather myself. I spent four hours just sitting outside enjoying the warm summer night. I had missed almost every single one since they started. They started in April, and it was the end of July.

But, for the most part, he hated what I did and felt like I wasn't doing enough to help out. He felt like I was just meandering through life, waiting on him to support me so I could dick around on the internet all day. He left everything up to me, and played FFXI like it was his second job. I wasn't feeling appreciated, and we fought constantly because neither one of us were standing behind each other anymore.

He was always my support system. When he got sick, something changed, and it didn't un-change when he was better. I think he just needed some time to live life the way he wanted, but he wasn't exactly "footloose and fancy-free". He had a family to support and a military career in full-bloom. He had people depending on him, and when the military decided to let him go, we moved and he was even more lost. It wasn't exactly the greatest start to our lives, and we had a LOT of huge bumps in the road, but we made do. It was definitely hard, and we definitely almost gave up countless times.

But we didn't. We stuck it out, never giving up, fighting every step of the way. That's the true test of a marriage -- love, COMMITMENT, dedication. Just because the going got tough, we didn't make the choice to abandon everything we had to make things "easier".

Hearing his love and support last night got me thinking about everything we've been through, and where we are today. I'm thankful that he is my "rock" again. I couldn't do what I do without him backing me up. I missed his ever-present enthusiasm for my work and his understanding that it's my dedication that makes it so good. Without support, no one will succeed. There is always a need to hear "You're doing the right thing." and "This is worth it, keep going.".

We both have some pretty big dreams and some pretty big plans. We're going to work together and support each other until they're achieved. That's not something to take for granted, that's for sure. He wants to work towards owning his own business, and I want to get mine back to where it used to be. I want to take on the world and continue to write and love every minute of it; he wants to buy up rental properties and open his own construction company.

These aren't things that are going to come to fruition without ups and downs, but it's nice to know that we won't have to go for them while butting heads and throwing blame. I'm going to make a go at school, and if we just can't do it right now, I'm going to keep doing what I'm doing -- only this time, it's going to be done knowing that I have his support. I'll know that no matter what, he believes in what I'm doing and is thankful for my contribution to this family.

Bad Weather, Mean Kid, Dumb Husband, Fair Trades, And Star Trek For Kids: RTT Rebel

So, I traded getting out in the freezing drizzle and taking the trash to the pick-up spot for a pot of coffee and an episode of Bones. Yes, I'm that guy. I'm totally easy to barter with. Mom knows what really gets me ready to make a deal. Husband, not so much.

I'm still really happy to be home. Our awesome living arrangement is going well, and it's also keeping me busy. Since she works nights, I do the cooking, cleaning, organizing, kid watching, and working thing. I'm also about to start school again... hopefully.
I say "hopefully" because I have yet to find a suitable student loan for the remaining balance of my tuition, and "again" because, well, I've been in school pretty much the entire time I've been out of high school. I'm just trying to find my niche in the universe.

Yesterday was a really bad day to be "Mommy". I'll admit it. My kid told me she wished I would die so she didn't have to have me telling her what to do all the time. I was heartbroken. She's only three, why is this even an issue yet? What. The. Fuck? I tried to talk to Husband about it, but he just doesn't get it. He never has to be the "bad guy", so she's nice to him. I'm the one that makes sure she eats the right stuff, picks up her toys, feeds the cat, takes her dishes to the kitchen, gets the right amount of sleep, bathes properly, brushes her teeth, etc. She thinks I'm fucking Satan or something. So, of course, I get the temper tantrums and the mean names... it sucks. It sucks hard.
But, admittedly, it has been boring lately. We haven't been able to go outside and play because it's just been gross. I won't let her get her way on eating chips for breakfast or having ten pounds of candy like my in-laws do (which, fuck that.. it's not even a question of "right and wrong", but she still sees it as awful, mean mommy won't let her do something). It still doesn't make it any easier to hear your kid say something like that to you, and even though I was crying and probably making a complete case file for commitment to some kind-of institution, Husband still should've understood where I was coming from. I think he's just a douchebag man, and this is probably normal. Men aren't exactly the best listeners.

It's raining again. And it's cold. The weather hates me.

I've been adding labels to my old blog posts to avoid doing dishes. I have like, half a load, and I just don't feel like doing much today. It's fun to label things. It's like labeling a piece of pie as "yummy".



Did I mention that Curious George 2 movie has a Star Trek reference in it?! SOFUCKINGAWESOME! For Klingon, press "Cha".

Word.





Random Tuesday Thoughts lives on! Just head on over to Stacy's amazing blog, Stacy Uncorked, grab a button, link yourself up, and blog on! Thank you for keeping us all random, Stacy!

Enjoy the rest of your day!

Happy Birthday, Old Man!

Today.. well, yesterday as of 13 minutes ago, is my husband's birthday. This is only the second time in the entire time we've known each other that we've been apart for it. I'm not sure how I feel about this.. I'm usually cooking his favourite meal, his favourite cake/cookies, and trying to keep the Munchkin from tearing his present open before he gets home.

It makes me sad to know that he worked all day and went to his apartment and was alone.. probably not eating anything because he's too cheap to buy anything/too lazy..

That, and the fact I found some things I had bought to cook for him while he was here on vacation that I totally forgot and now I feel like the world's worst wife because they're some of his favourite things.

Today was a rough day, but I did get the materials to register for yet another round of education. I am really hoping that this time I will finally be happy with my career choice. Maybe after trying Journalism, Marketing, CNA/CMA, Bartending, and Phlebotomy, Veterinarian Assistance will be where I'm happy. Let's hope that this bachelor's degree is the last one because, let's face it, school is costing me too much now.

So, Happy Birthday, Husband; now that you're old, I will still be here nagging and taking care of you. I love you more than you will ever know, though even I don't know why. I guess you're just a lucky man.

And, because I love myself as well, congratulations to me for making the decision to yet again drown in a sea of book, notes, used pens, and endless sleepless nights writing papers for the sake of higher education. I think I'm going to change my "works at" section on Facebook to "Career Student".

RTT: Things Suck More In Louisiana

Today has already been one entirely over-stressful day. That sucks because it's not like I'm not ALREADY stressed out from first test jitters and financial ruin looming and the winterocalypse and the cat.. did I mention he pounced on my head while I was putting makeup on? Yes, he did. He apparently needs to seek therapy.

So we, errr, I mean I did our taxes today....... the state in which we live in has -- yet again -- fucked us over. And not even with the consideration of lube; just nasty, horrible, dry rape. Thanks a lot, La. Thanks a whole bunch. Fuckers.

My first test is today. Imagine a girl with extreme anxiety problems and a tendancy to over-analyze and worry who just happens to be a genius that sucks at math and taking tests. That's me, and I'm nervous. I'm freaking out and the cat isn't helping. He's staring at me with this judge-y eyes like he just KNOWS I'm going to flunk it because he's a cat and they're like super all-knowing creatures. Fuck you, too, Spazzy McSpazz.

My phone, my glorious phone, with my awesome SIM card and my SD card full of things of importance, is still missing. I seriously hope no one stole it and was stupid enough to chuck it out somewhere like the last time. I really kinda need that thing. It's like, super important.. and stuff. I'm like a failure when it comes to having a phone. This will make the second time it's been stolen, and that really sucks because I NEED it. It's not like it cures cancer or anything, but it does hold potential job interviews and my life on a phone and a bunch of other shit that really means like, a lot. I'm emotionally compromised because I can't call anyone. This is like cutting me off; stranding me on a deserted island; putting gum in my hair when there's no peanut butter or mayonnaise in the house to get it out. SERIOUS. SHIT.

 I don't want to go to school today.. I don't want to take a test. I just want to lounge around the house and study some more. It doesn't help that I just found out I'll be missing gumbo tonight. Definitely sad-facing over here, and like, there are tears and shit. Gumbo is important. Almost as important as my phone, but not quite.

Gameboy Pokemon sucks. Just wanted to share.

I Amaze People With Myself

Yeah, I totally am. I'm 23, almost 24, and I'm sleeping on a loveseat. And I'm cold. And I have no blanket. And I have TB in my arm.

Moving on...

I started school this week. It's a bitch. I've still yet to regain feeling in my right index finger. So. many. notes. ohmygod. I thought real college was rough until I became a student at a Vo-Tech school. I now realize that my college days were a breeze and everything I ever did there was magical and wonderful and so much fun. My professors were amazing, my friends rocked, and my living situation did not include in-laws or parents or anyone else like that.
I had to get a TB scratch test done. It always sucks, but what can you do? I guess I could not do it and waste the money I've put into school and quit. Quitting is for losers, though, and I am most definitely not a loser. I'm super fucking awesome and you should be very happy about that fact.

I took some pretty cool pictures today of Melodrama and my friend's dog, Muffin-top. We're going to call her Muffin-top because everyone else in my blog has a code name so the dog gets one, too, and we're also going to give the friend one since everyone else got one and she gets Rage. You know, because she has horrible road rage. Especially in Natchez. Definitely in Natchez.

So Rage and I were talking about something completely random the other night on the way home from class and we decided to call our men folk, Ass-band and Walter (I really hope he never sees that I've decided to call him that), and it was all good and great while we were laughing and listening to the phone ring and whatnot... until they answered and we said hey and magically my phone unpaired from the car and died.

......

The phone has yet to be seen again. I think someone stole it and since we were sitting in traffic with other people from the same class it could still link to the car and when we drove away it lost that ability. And I realized it was gone. Which sucks ass because now I have no phone. Epic. fail.

*ahem*

After blowing me off because I'm boring and a bitch, Ass-band did something nice for me this evening. I was rather shocked but, hell, I'm not complaining. He brought me a huge salad and a drink and actually told me goodnight instead of grumbling about my computer light and my studying in bed and falling asleep with his ass on my leg and farting. Loudly. I was happy.



Until I realized that Rage and Walter snore, and Muffin-top is having whiny puppy dreams. And then there's the fan..s...

Did I mention I'm freezing to death?

Isn't she lovely?

Muffin-top is hella awesome.

Did I happen to mention I'm going bald? Oh yes I am.

Oh, About That

I think it's been far too long since I actually got to blog, so please excuse and errors or thoughts that trail off into something else -- also be aware that my screen is dimmed to the lowest setting and I can barely press my laptop keys because someone is being a down-er and wants to "sleep". PFFT! Sleep... sleep is for the weak.

So where to begin, where to begin?

Melodrama started Daycare. That was extremely tragic -- for ME. Not her, me. I bawled and begged and sank into this horrid depressed state where I just sat around eating random food for comfort for a good, oh, three days?

I'm totally fine now. *coughcough*

Melodrama loves it and the staff is amazing and it gives me time to apply to countless jobs and house hunt. Go me. I'm getting my shit together. Finally. I really miss working from home because I miss my kiddo and she's really falling behind on her sign language. *mental note*
I've had a lot of people tell me what an abomination I am for sending her packing to a daycare center when I don't even have a job yet. I've also had people call me out for not using cloth diapers and not being able to breast feed, but who really gives two fucks about any of that? Certainly not my self-esteem/self-worth issues.. nope.

I'm totally fine. *hackhack*


I decided, after not being able to find ANY decent paying work in this odd little place, to take some classes and become... drum roll please... a Phlebotomist. *cue applause*
It's a 12 week course that will give me the skills and knowledge to stand in a clinic/hospital for 12 hours a day, 6-7 days a week and draw blood. I will be paid to be a needle vampire.


Fuck you if you just asked yourself if I would sparkle. Haven't you heard? I hate Twilight. I wish that woman would stop publishing her childish and pathetic drivel of a diary. The End.


I'm still, totally fine. *coughhack*


Husband FINALLY got all the massive amounts of stuff finished so he can start work. Hopefully he WILL NOT decide to take the job on the oil rig since he got the job he's starting next week. I just got him back from the military and would like a little time to be, ya know, a FAMILY.

*twitch*

zOMFG! WE FOUND A HAUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
We are in an extreme state of love over this 1930's carpenter-style abode. It is a definite fixer-upper, but I couldn't be more in love. It's perfection! I will provide a link to the historically registered masterpiece. You will fall in love, too, if you love houses and projects and the likes.


The holidays were a mixture of ups and downs. This was my first holiday away from home and I was BEYOND a bawling, sniveling, wretched bitch of a mess. I think I pretty much died at one point and the only thing that revived me was the putrid smell of sweet cornbread.

*pleasesavemefromthisplanetI'velandedon*


I got a new car.. right before we left for my state for Thanksgiving. The night we left to come back, two days later, my tire exploded on the interstate at 75 miles an hour and destroyed my new pretty Jeep. Well, destroyed is a pretty strong word. More like maimed and disfigured horribly. Thankfully I'm an amazing and stellar driver and I made it safely to the side of the super busy Interstate 85-S before breaking down into shaking tears and grabbing Melodrama and the phone to call my Dad -- who was an hour away and asleep, so not at ALL happy to hear me begging for his Daddy powers.

*thisismylife...*



I am actually about to share a picture... just one. Not of the Jeep, or of the new me (now with short hair and 15 lbs lighter), the disgusting sweet cornbread, or anything else. I am going to share my amazing photography skills and delight the blogging world with my gorgeous daughter. With the picture, I also close this atrocious mess of a post and promise my next one will be less of a failure and more... better-er.


xoxoo;

cutest. toddler. ever.

Oh, and here's the link to the house we're getting.. err, HOPE we're getting.

You know you want to see it!

Random Poem from forever ago...

As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear all evil.

For it is all around me. It surrounds and swallows my will to live.

To keep walking I must lose pieces of my soul. One for every time I look back and dream of the easy way out.

The way that only the weak take... I am not weak.

I am strong. I defeat the ever looming, ever lurking reality.

I keep walking.

Thinking of what I have to walk for. What lies on this path through  

Hell.

I face my demons, I scream for salvation from the damned.

I receive no such releif. Only laughter from the ones bound to protect me.

I keep walking.

My life. My love. My sanity. My existance.

All lie at the end of the road I am destined to walk.

A beautiful face, a loving embrace.

A place to call home. Even if I never go back, I kow that it will always wait.

I need never look for love, for I have found it.

I keep walking.

Tales of my life flow in and out of my mind.

I hear the soft laughter of the ones waiting on the other side of this realm.

It gives me hope to know that I am part of the happiness that resides within them.

I keep walking.

There is so much to do. So much to see...

I scream and fall to my knees from the pain of this chosen path.

It holds me there. Paralyzed in its grasp, I want to give up.

Give in.

Soft coos, the feel of a gentle kiss full of all the love it ever promised and more.

I struggle.

I beat  and tear at the hold on me. Call out to whoever created this abyss.

It cannot hold me down.

I overcome the obstacle, and rise from my knees.

I keep walking.

The end nearing, I grow weary. Thoughts of rest fill my mind.

I start to run.

I will never give up, never surrender.

I will break through the haze of the valley before me.

I will be home.

safe in the arms of the one I gave my heart to, smiled upon by the part of that heart that crawls around outside of me.

I will win.

There is nothing I can't do. Nothing I won't do.

I keep running.

Just as cannot go anymore, I am home. Arms strong and full of love envelope me. Comfort me.

Give me the strength I need to make it through another day.

Nothing will ever hold me back.

I gain my greatest strength from the ones who hold my heart.

They free me from the darkest corners of my mind.

I keep going for them.