Yesterday sucked. The levels of fail cannot be measured or described. Here are some highlights from the worst. day. ever. for your reading pleasure, because sharing is therapy.. caring.. whatever.
Here's trying to leave the driveway in her car because mine is "too hard of a ride":
"I CANNOT SEE WHERE WE ARE GOING BUT OH LORD KATHRYN GO THAT WAY AND TAKE THIS TURN AND WHERE ARE WE OH JESUS WHERE ARE YOU GOING I'M SO CONFUSED AND WHY DID I LET YOU DRIVE??!"... "Oh, we're not even out of the driveway yet? Oh, okay. Nevermind. Carry on."
This continually got worse, because obviously traffic signals haven't been invented yet:
"OHMYGOD KATHRYN YOU'RE CUTTING OFF ALL THOSE OTHER CARS WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!" Did I mention I turned at the light.. the green arrow light? Yeah, that's what was happening.
Why she chose to sit in the back seat, I'll never know, but let me tell you folks, IT'S THE WORST PLACE FOR OLD PEOPLE EVER. EVEREVEREVER! Do NOT put your old people in the back seat. You will forever hate being in a car if you do so, and it's going to suck the life right out of you. SUCK. IT. OUT.
Here's a quick apology to the hot chick working at CVS, because she deserves it:
Super hot lady tech at CVS in Hull,
I'm sorry. She's crazy. You're awesome. Take her money and smile, or she'll do that shit every single time. I've been in this nightmare for 25 years, and lemme tell you, it doesn't get better. Just.. I'm so sorry. Public internet apology will never be enough, but I'm trying.
Also, call me.
(Here's where I mention this was just the apology for the drop-off, not the pick-up.)
And here's a highlight from lunch:
"Why did we come here? I can't eat this stuff until they fix my blahblahblahh. You have terrible taste, Kathryn. Terrible."
"Mema, you picked Taco Bell, not me. Would you like me to go get you something else?"
"I DID NOT PICK HER-- oh, wait, yes. I want something soft. And chocolate. Something soft with chocolate. Wait, did I take my medicine this morning? Yes. Okay. I want soft, chocolate.. something. Go get it."
******
"Araelynn, if you're going to eat a taco, at least pretend you're eating something better for you. Kathryn, this child is way too excited about a taco. What do you feed her?"
"Mema, I'm going to damn stab you with a spork."
"Well, I guess you ARE your father's child.. violence.. I'll call the police-man, and you'll-- hey! This pudding stuff is good."
"I'm going to throw myself into traffic. I'll be right back."
There was a cigarette break here, don't judge me. I've done well in trying to quit, but DO YOU SEE THAT SHIT UP THERE?!
Highlight from Kohl's:
"I don't know if George needs more shirts, or more underwear...."
"Mema, for real? Who wants boxers for Father's Day? At least if you're going to get a shitty gift, get him some cool boxers or speedos and tell him to model them for you. Make it exciting.. something. Jesus."
"He has chicken legs. I'd just laugh at him."
"I didn't need to hear that. I was kidding. Please burn my ears off, thanks."
"MOM! YOU CAN'T BURN YOUR EARS OFF BECAUSE YOU CAN'T HAVE FIRE IN THE STORE YOU'LL BURN THAT BALD MAN OVER THERE! ... what are speedy-ohs?"
(Here is where I just give up and buy myself some shoes. Sale be damned, I just needed something to ease the pain.)
The rest is just a blur.. I bought some shit, I pretended I was somewhere else, the kid covered the car in caramel from her apple snack, and there was a lot more bitching and yelling and I think I might have died on the inside a lot.
Enjoy the rest of your week. If not for yourself, for me. Because I am still trying to get over the whole ordeal.
No comments:
Post a Comment