28 March 2012

A Whole Lot Of Word-ful Wednesday

I'll be the first to admit, you really had me from "Hello". You were everything and more to me, and I was completely enthralled. I thought you were too cool for school, and I was more than willing to spend the rest of forever with you by my side.

You gave me my beautiful little girl, you gave me a new purpose, and then everything changed.

How it changed, when it changed, I'll never know -- but it did, and it wasn't good. Now we're at this place, and this place is scary. It's crazy, it's going to get messy, and I'm so lost as to how it happened. It's like you don't know me, almost six years later; I don't know you.

I sit here, wondering where the love and the respect went. I wish it was just hiding under the bed, or in the corner that always seems to be forgotten when the house gets dusted, but I've looked -- things like talking about things, standing beside each other through all the good and bad, and a simple "I appreciate you", don't really "hide" in houses -- and they're just.. gone now.

You want to live there, and I want to live here. I asked where that left us, and all you could say was "I don't know". Well, I don't know, either, and I find that I no longer care. It's like the "care" has been sucked out of me. I just want all this to be over.

I want to feel like I matter; like what I say and do is important. I want to be appreciated. I want to be told I'm beautiful and you couldn't live without me. Fuck how it sounds, I want to be rescued. I want to be protected and feel like I'm the only person in the world when you look at me. I want a life full of respect, admiration, and completely irrational love. I want to feel beautiful, and I've come to realize there's nothing wrong with that.

I want to be swept off my feet. I want to be told how much I mean to you every single day. I want my child to grow up seeing me happy, not crying all the time because of yet another fight. I want you to hold me tight and tell me everything is going to be alright at the end of the day. I want my self-respect back. I want my daughter to see that her Mom is important to you. I want her to be raised in a house full of love.

I realize we're never going to have this, no matter how hard I try. All I ever wanted was the best for us, and you just can't see that; all you see is what you want, and it's not the same.

I think you did want it, but once you realized it meant growing up and losing a part of the "care-free" life you were living, you just.. didn't. And that's okay. We're not happy, we're miserable. I don't want us to hate each other, especially since the little girl we brought into this world adores us both. I want us to be friends, no matter what, because she's worth all the effort it will take to pull it off.

I love you, but I'm no longer in love. We've grown in separate directions, but what we had will always be there, and it will keep us striving for the best life we can have -- for ourselves, and for our daughter.

So I'm going to be as graceful as I can, and I'm going to move on; I'm going to find a better life. I'm going to find someone who will stand beside me, no matter what, and be there to make me feel like I matter. I'm going to find the person that loves me beyond reason, and will treat me like I deserve to be treated. The person who will correct me when I'm wrong, admit when I'm right, and think I'm the best thing that ever happened to them, not the worst. I'll find the person that is open to all I've begged to give you, and will love that I love them with everything I have.

I'll find the person who will love me when I'm at my worst, and be proud of me when I find my best. I'll find the life I always wanted, and I just hope that you'll find what you're looking for, too. I want you to be happy, and I hope that you can live the life you always wanted. I'm just sorry it wasn't the life we had together that you wanted.

1 comment:

  1. love you no matter what happens even though it's not very often we talk I still think ur amazing and you enjoy all the best in life --- love laura