29 January 2011

E-mail To An Asshole That I Will Never Send - Maybe

So I have this friend.. had this friend.. that used to be my, I don't know, best friend of sorts. She was the person I called anytime, anywhere, and talked to for hours at a time.. or until one of our phones died. She was always there for me no matter what was going on. I loved her like an extension to my family. My daughter loved her and even Ass-band loved her. It was the perfect friendship. I did all I could do for her, and helped her through all kinds of shit that I really didn't want to get into but that's what best friends are for and I loved her so I did it no matter the consequences.

And then, almost three years ago, she stopped talking to me. She's on my accursed Facebook, and she wouldn't even say hey if I tried to start a conversation. I'd long since been kept out of the loop when she changed phone numbers and I'd started to feel like a stalker for my once-a-month comments like "Hey XXX, I miss your face. Call me sometime and we'll catch up over coffee!"...

I don't want to feel like a stalker, so I stopped doing it about a year ago. Ass-band keeps asking about her, Melodrama sees her picture and asks me to call her, and my best dude friend always asks have I talked to her and I'm always having to walk around with a stupid look on my face and an eye twitch.

I tried to e-mail her the other day, but I couldn't bring myself to hit the send button. I've wanted to tell her so many things over the course of [almost] three years. I've wanted her to share in my joys and my sorrows, just like she used to. Our lives overlapped so much for so long that it was just natural to see my Sidekick glued to my ear no matter what I was doing. I think back fondly on the many years of friendship and tomfoolery, but the charade is over.

Here's the letter I decided to write and pussied my bitch ass out of sending. I'll share it with the blog world, and if she sees it and happens to know it's about her, so be it. Enjoy. I suck at writing letters, by the way.


Wow, it's been almost three years! I found your e-mail in my address book, and I am hoping against hope that you didn't change this, too. I heard you moved and changed your number (well, read off your Facebook), and I tried to get in touch with you to get your new number and address for Christmas gifts and the likes, but you brushed me off. It kind of bothered me, but since I'm a pussy when it comes to my friends, I never said anything.

I changed my Facebook a while back, and you added me again. I was elated. I took that to be a good sign, and I tried to talk to you again. To no avail. That really hurt me, because I love you like a sister; I have told you things my husband doesn't even know and I have been there for you through good times and "I'm so depressed I'm going to kill myself in this manner" times.

Why exactly have you chosen to abandon the bond that we shared? Why have you come to ignore the one friend who never did you wrong? Was it something that was said -- or something that was not?

I guess being southern, a mother, and using boxed mac-n-cheese to make my husband happy made me not good enough, but your attitude and the way you've made me feel all this time kind-of tips the scales in my favour of being the better friend and better person. No matter how busy you think your life is, it doesn't even compare to any woman with a child, a job, a degree in progress, a husband, and a bird.. or some other kind of pet but still. All you have is you and your husband to worry about.. and he's a grown ass man who should know how to make a sandwich if you're busy with other shit.

Look, all I'm saying is that through all the hard times and the busy times and the times when I wanted to flat out drink myself into a coma for a month, I've tried to still be there for you. Where's your try? Fuck this shit.. I hate writing damn e-mails and I'm tired of coming up with nice ways to say:
Hope you're happy, hope you're well, hope you choke on a carrot. Seriously, eat a fucking dick unless you want to say hey and then I'll totally be excited and talk to you again because, again, I'm a fucking pussy when it comes to bitches like you. I think it's because you're cute.

All my best, 

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